


Why the Bar Sucks More Than You Think

by nnoiffu



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: EVERYONE IS WELCOME I DON'T GENDER THE READER WOO, F/M, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Other, Pretty vanilla for my first fic posted here but we'll get kinkier as we go along., Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 05:24:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7671775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnoiffu/pseuds/nnoiffu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’re an alien on another planet looking for a good time in a bar, and then a particular human shows up through a portal. Hmm. I can only wonder who it is. NSFW for smut, alcohol, drug mentioning, and general dumbfuckery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why the Bar Sucks More Than You Think

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:  
> I had to think of a plot/reason for why Rick would even bother with the reader, and boy oh boy did I find one. I'm in the slow progress of working on an Evil!Rick x Reader with the same self insert alien character. I have it all plotted out but I've been very sluggish in churning it out so any feedback on this one or any bit of encouragement would do wonders to get me motivated because as shitty as it sounds I don't usually do something unless I know that there's people who actually want it or are interested in it.
> 
> I used to roleplay as Rick Sanchez so this was actually made because it was a test run on how I could write the character lmaoooooooo.  
> Anyways. Enjoy this for me, dear reader. I hope you like it. A personal gift from me to you, my fellow Rick Fricker. 
> 
> PS. I don't own Rick and Morty. I'm not creative enough.

You can’t believe you’re doing this. Well, actually, you can, but you kind of can’t?

Whatever, that’s not what matters right now. What DOES matter right now, is that you’re here at a bar on your planet, Moderock, to have fun.  
Maybe to chat it up with a few strangers, and end it all with a good quickie. You were expecting that maybe you could get lucky with a few strangers coming in from the next planet over, but you didn’t expect someone from an entirely different _galaxy_.

You remember clearly how he came in here, stumbling in through a green swirling bizarre, kind of portal. He was mumbling something at the time, and everyone in the bar was staring at him, yourself included. He didn’t fit in either, not with the entire cast of characters present here.  
The bar here is a place full of ex-convicts, and a hangout for one of the gangs that were at war with a few others. Other than that, it was full of a mix of young adults that were nothing but trouble.  
Strippers on their off time, prostitutes, smugglers, there’s all kinds of individuals here. The strippers and prostitutes, you came to learn, most of them were decent individuals, and were just stigmatized, which was a shame. 

You, yourself?  
You’re not entirely innocent, either. You have your own criminal history. But that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Because you very well know that the one incident at the well-known public hangout, _YoYooxter_ got you in a lot of trouble and ended up getting you blacklisted at every other bar everywhere else. Except here. Here everyone was welcome, regardless of your history.

It’s strange how someone so differently contrasting as he would choose to end up here out of all places. But judging by how he stumbled his way to the nearest barstool and pathetically scrambled to get a grip on the counter in front of him, it seemed sensibility wasn’t something he carried in this joint with him.

That was fine with you, because you instantly made your way to him before anyone else decided to, taking a seat right next to the stranger that still had maybe half the room’s attention.  
You didn’t want to impede on him, so that’s why you gave a stool seat distance between the two of you, so you weren’t exactly sitting _right next_ to him.

“H-Hey… BartendEEUUUGHR!”

Surely enough, the bartender turns around and glances right at you for a second before realizing that the voice hadn’t come from you.  
That’s when they look off to the individual right next to you instead.

“G-Give me the Hooppler. Y-y-y-y’know… Your st-strong-strongeEEEUUUGHst one.”

You raise a brow at the mention of a Hooppler. Not a lot could manage to stomach such a potent alcoholic concoction on your planet. You’d seen how many idiots tried it and ended up running to the restrooms to upchuck their insides. Nevertheless, you find it a perfect time to comment on his choice.

“Heavyweight, huh?” You casually say out of nowhere, looking not at one place in particular as you trace your fingertip against the tabletop surface of the bar in light circles.

“H-hhmnn?” He groans in response, almost like he’s struggling to recognize his surroundings, but he slowly has his head turning to face you to get a good, yet clearly disoriented glance at you. It takes him a second, but he registers what’s going on. For someone so drunk, he seems to function above average. Maybe a second and a half of delay, at best.

“Oh.” He simply remarks at you, after eying you up and down, like he’s not really impressed. “Yeah, I guess you could call it that.”  
After that, he goes back to staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. Maybe he's staring at all the bottles decorating the wall behind the bar.

His lack of interest makes you clear your throat a bit. Impatience is getting the best of you, and now that you feel like there’s been a proper introduction, you close in and take the seat that was formerly serving as a gap between you and the 'alien'.

He notices you now, and you see him casting what seems like an annoyed expression to the invasion of space, but you’re willing to think that maybe you’re just mistaken. Maybe it’s just the aroma of the cheap, gross food that’s being eaten down the end of the bar by another customer which is the reason for his disgust.

“Can I _help_ you?” He asks, raising one half of his single brow. Just as you’re about to speak, a drink is slid down the bar and he snatches it up just as it’s about to fly right past him.  
You can hear a voice of protest coming from a bit farther down the end of the bar.

“Hey! That’s _MINE_!”

“Wow, what an astute observation! I guess you can probably also see that _now_ it’s not.” He merely answers back, having no regard for the victim of the stolen drink.

The man beside you clearly doesn’t care as he brings the alcoholic concoction to his lips and begins to down it. He doesn’t even stop as he raises the mug at an angle to get gravity to work its magic, as he gets close to finishing.

You watch his Adam’s Apple, and you can’t help but notice it as he swallows. Quite a bit of his drink manages to slip past his lips because he’s downing it so fucking fast like it's sugar water. Some of it even drips down his chin and lands smack dab right on his shirt.

You clear your throat, trying to get his attention again.

“ _Oh_. Y-you’re still heEEEUGHre.”

“Yeah. I _am_.” You speak to him through grit teeth, trying your best to remain as charming as possible, but you’re starting to wonder if you should just cut the crap and get straight to the chase.

“Ah.” He says, still seemingly apathetic towards you. He just slams the finished mug down on the counter in front of him as he swallows the last of the drink.

You hear it at first before you see it coming into the corner of your eye, but when you turn your head to further examine, your eyes widen at the incoming opportunity. Practically on instinct you snatch the drink that was starting to slow in speed as it was making its way down the bar.

This was his drink. You knew it was. It was coming to a stop right in this area, and you didn't even order yet.

“Hey!” He already exclaims in protest.

Of course. It’s always about the alcohol, isn’t it? Funny how he seemed delayed with everything else, but seems to suddenly have quicker reaction times when his source of intoxication is taken away from him.

You pick up the drink and watch him.  
His arms are folded across his chest.

“Hey, _dipshit_ , I wouldn’t do that if I were you—“

You take a bit of a sip right from the glass, smug about it as you can feel his irritated eyes locking onto you.

 Although, right when you think this move works out just so smoothly, it turns out that the drink is actually… Fucking nasty as hell.  
And that’s what got you opening your eyes wide in surprise and turning your head to spew it out in a mist, all in disgust.

He’s already leaning forward a bit to get closer, presumably to retrieve his drink.

“See what happens when you try to be cool? It doesn’t _work_. Good one, dumbass. Give me that.”

And he snatches it right from your hands.

“Y-y-you’re not supposed to _drink_ it without adding a little more onto it.”

He’s pulling something out of his inner lab coat pocket, and it looks like a tiny little packet. Without offering any explanation, he rips it open and pours a white powder right into the pre-existing concoction. It fizzes a bit, and it overflows at the top.

“WoooahooaHOOAH!” He’s practically elated at seeing such a reaction, but you lean back a bit as he’s careful to try to not spill it on himself until it finally calms down after the sudden chemical change inside the drink.

“What did you--?”

“Try it now.”

“What?”

“I said try it now. D-don’t tell me after that first stunt you’re not gonna at least try it again. You were _soooo_ eager. C’mon. Try it. Trust me on this one, I promise you won’t wanna murder your tastebuds after this.”

You’re a bit hesitant at first, but you slowly reach for the glass and bring it to your lips. It tastes…

Intoxicating. Intoxicating but not bitter like the last time. Not entirely sweet, but tangy, and yet still has that alcoholic qualities to it. Even a bit of burning at the end. But all in all, it was still completely, and utterly, _intoxicating_.

So much so that you can _already_ feel yourself get a little tipsy.

You take one more sip, swishing the contents around in your mouth, savoring the taste. He seems to be pleased at your indulgence for going in a second time, taking it that you liked it. You see him looking at you, and you give him an approving nod with a smile only after you swallow.

He takes the cup, and with much more audacity than what you have, takes a _gulp_ of it.

“What did you do to it?” You _had_ to ask.

“Ahhh… I-it… It’s my own special ingreEEEUUGHdients. Can’t tell ya. It’s a secret.”

Fair enough.

With a starting conversation between the two of you initiated, albeit maybe not the most conventional of ways, but nevertheless a conversation, it’s enough to get the ball rolling. You both exchange jokes, tell a few stories, and you even listen to a few adventures that he’d been on with a relative of his. You can tell just by how he talks about them, and the way that his eyes light up as he gets into it with much physical gestures, that this grandson of his, he really cares about. You ask him where his grandson is right now, while munching on a few snacks with him during the conversation, and he explains to you that he needed to get away just for a little while to clear his head about something with his grandkid. You don’t question it much beyond that, because it was the reason he came here in the first place, so you decide to drink it up a bit more with him instead, only to find out that, much to the human’s dismay, that your planets form of alcohol isn’t as strong as he anticipated, and that ruins the fun pretty early in.

“If I woulda known that the bars on your planet sucked, I wouldn’t have even bothered to come heEEEUUGHre. I mean, no offense to you or anything.”

However, you’re not a ‘human’. And you’re still a little tipsy. Maybe a little more than that.

Trailing your finger from his shoulder down to his wrist, you stare at him through half lidded eyes and a seductive smile that has his attention.

“Well… Maybe we can have a little fun before you go and barhop somewhere else…?” You suggest.

He raises one half of his eyebrow in thought, but it’s clear that you’ve established yourself as pleasant enough company to not only hear about a bit of his personal life, so why the hell not?

He agrees, and you’re the one to grab his hand and take him out of his seat as you’re leading him to the other side of the building which you knew so very well.

It’s not that much longer of a walk down the hall of the building, a little farther down from the restrooms, but that’s good, because considering how he’s babbling behind you right about now, you’re certain that people might easily hear otherwise.

 “The public bathrooms?” He remarks with an unimpressed tone.

You tell him to shut up rather quickly. Due to the frequency that folks were coming in and out of the restrooms, that wasn’t an option. Besides, it was probably really dirty in there anyways. Not to mention that on top of all that logic, you’re not really in any mood to be dealing with any of the snide remarks he had to offer.

You gesture towards the door next to it, a little ways down, but still in sight. It has a sign on it that indicated that it’s meant for janitorial staff only.

“Oh yeah, the ooool’ closet shtick. How original. Y-yeah… G-gonna have a reeeeeal good time in a, in a fucking cramped four by four space with a _ton_ of _crap_ in it _already.”_

You shoot him a look.

“Yeah… WhatevEUUUGHr. L-let’s just get this thing over with.”  
At least he could be a bit more enthusiastic.  
You don’t say anything else because you know that he’ll just make a smart ass remark to _that_ , too.  
Not to mention, he might decide to call it off if you complain.

Making sure that no one was around, he clearly sees you glancing around.

“W-Wh-what the hell are you doing.” It came out more like a statement than a question.

“I’m just looking to see if no one i—“

“Y-yyy-you’re really being self-conscious… I-In a place like this? A-Are you fucking _serious_ right now? I’m preeetty sure that one guy we walked by on the way here, y-y’know… the one with the three eyes? There was a woman under that table and d-do you know what she was doing? Sucking his dick while the person sitting right _across_ from him was snorting some sort of illegal narcotic. No one _cares—“_

He wasn’t looking at you the entire time he was talking, so he hadn’t seen you open the door and step inside, so when you yanked him into the cramped space with you, he was caught completely off guard.

The door shuts right behind him, and there’s no light. You try to feel around for one of those string switches, but one doesn’t seem to exist.

“Great. I can’t see a thing. R-running strong on your game heEEEUUUGGHHre, aren’t we? _Reaaal_ strong—OOF!”

You hear a thud, and that’s the sound of him falling flat on his ass from you pushing him down.  
You had your back against the wall so that he had no choice to be on the opposite side in the tiny square room.

“Alright… S-straight to the point now. That’s more like it. C’mon… c’mon… let’s go, I-I-I got somewhere to be reEUUUGHal soon.” You feel something already tugging at your pants to undo the button and zipper at the front, but you reach for the offending hand and slap it.

“Ow!”

“You have enough time to have a fling. I’m sure you have enough time to talk.”

“No. Not reeUUUGHally. Since when did a complete and total stranger decide things for me?”

You can at least see a little around you, thanks to the incoming light source from under the door, but at least it’s something.  At least it’s enough to where you can see the outline of his groin. You make your authoritative stance clear when your hand is seizing his junk, right through those pants of his. It’s a firm hold, too. You decide not to say anything, figuring that your actions speak louder than what your words ever could.

“A-alrightalrightalrightalright! You win, for _now_. _Jesus_. I’d like to keep my _dick_ by the end of this thing, _thanks_ for giving me an option. How _generous_ of you, _really_. Grabbin’ a man by his balls. Gotta admit that’s a low blow.”

“Stop talking.” You tell him right then and there as your hands already work to unbutton and unzip his pants. You almost forget to unclasp his belt, but finally you do, and you tug it loose. You can feel another kind of fabric between the space where you unzipped his pants. It’s his briefs. You only bother to pull the front of his briefs down just enough to where you know his dick is out. Honestly, you don’t really have time to fully undress someone, and doing something like that in a closet, in a cramped space, not to mention in public? Anything other than this, you deduced, would be unreasonable.

Which is why you’re already tugging your belt loose and unzipping your pants, pulling them down and stopping them a little after the bend of your knees. You went commando tonight, because you were certain on what you came to the bar tonight for. The incoming light at the bottom of the door once more served as your only light source, but it wasn’t that difficult to navigate yourself right on his lap.  
You sit yourself right on him, already greeted by the feeling of his dick right between your thighs.

Again, you can’t really see anything, but you can definitely feel, and what you _do_ start to feel is his hot breath against your face, and his lips start to try to go against yours. He’s the one that’s enthusiastic, but you’re not in the least, with the pungent smell of alcohol and whatever cheap bar food he must have shoved in his mouth earlier which you really don’t want to think about. Point is, now that you’re cramped in a tight space with him and now that you’ve truly got the chance to get a whiff of his breath, it’s not pleasant, so you’re _not_ going to kiss him.

You aren’t really thinking when you decided on impulse that the only way to get him to stop was to answer with violence. Maybe it’s just in the nature of your species, maybe you’re just socially awkward and you’re not certain on how to say no, but suffice it to say, your elbow goes right against the side of his face, and he’s _not_ happy.

“OW! G-GEEZ, WHA-WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“Sorrysorrysorrysorry! I just—“

“Y-y-you just what?! Your elbow just, ACCIDENTALLY jabbed me straight in the jaw? NEWSFLASH, maybe your species isn’t as easy to damage, babe, but that doesn’t mean _mine_ isn’t. If you didn’t want me to kiss you, you coulda just _said_ something.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘ _oh_ ’. So I guess we’re just… We’re gonna just…”  
It’s getting awkward now, and you can hear it as he’s trailing off on sentence, which you quickly try to recover it with an answer.

“Yeah.”

Before you slowly lift your hips up just above his dick, you’re making sure your inner thighs are lined up perfectly. You spend about a minute or two trying to get it right, and it’s hard, because it’s in the dark, but that doesn’t seem to click with your partner, who sighs. He’s not completely hard yet, but it’s enough to be able to guide him in to be able to penetrate you when you lower yourself down.  
His impatient mood melts rather quickly at that.

When you start to swivel your hips to adjust to the feeling of him inside you, you finally hear something _other_ than complaining.

 “Hah… Ah…”

Those are just a few of the noises he’s making right now, but the only time they’re coming out of him is every time he heavily inhales and exhales. He’s aroused, and you’re well aware of that, but you are too. As you continue to gyrate your hips down on him, you move slowly this time around, and that elicits a louder groan from your partner than all the other ones before it.  
Now you can start to feel him thicken out inside you.

“You like that, huh?” You can practically hear your words slipping past the curves of your smile as you speak.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t geEEEEUUUGHt too cocky, kid. Y-you’re about average.” You can tell he’s trying to be brief, which is against his normal chatty behavior he’s shown you since you first interacted with him.

Well, with your ego in better check and your feelings hurt for only a few seconds, you decide to keep quiet, up until you feel two hands seize you on both sides of your waist. He gives a firm squeeze that makes you wiggle a bit at first, but there is no more squeezing that follows after that.

Your pace is leisurely now, more relaxed than anything.

“Mmm.”

“Hm?”

“K-keep doin’ that. T-t-t-that thing… That—Yeah. _That_. Ahhh… _So_ good.”

He’s clearly in ecstasy, while you’re the one doing most of the work, but you’re not going to complain. In truth, it’s starting to feel really good too, especially now that you’re increasing the pace as you’re swiveling your hips.  
You can feel a bit of a buildup that’s creeping on you, heading right up your spine. God, he felt so good, not too big, not too small. Just right.

It’s enough for you tilt your head back and moan.

His hands slowly travel down your sides to make a firm grip on your ass in the moment that you’re most vulnerable and unable to slap them away. You hiss at him for it, but that doesn’t stop him from squeezing your ass.  
You curse at him for it as you start to tremble, getting closer to orgasm.

That’s when you feel him from beneath you, giving a few thrusts upward into you. Your hands resort to holding onto his shoulders for support. Probably a good thing this is all done in the dark, otherwise this could just have been extremely awkward to behold.

“Hah…”

Your breathing is ragged, and you feel yourself barely press your head against his chest, but you manage to hear it.  
'It' being his heartbeat, or you THINK it’s his heartbeat, unless it’s your own in your ears, but you’re pretty sure it’s his. It would match up with his heavy breathing and all the sudden activity he’s doing in what you can only think to be him trying to get his own out of this.

Fortunately for him, you’re not entirely heartless, and despite how you already had your orgasm, you decide to help him. You’re grinding against him with equal, if not more force than what he was giving, and it’s enough to get him to release a strained groan. You can suddenly feel him arch his back, but only just a little bit. His movements halt suddenly, and but you don’t stop as you feel yourself edging to another finish, which makes you move faster.

“Ohh, shit. Shit, shit, _shit_ , _**shit**_ …” He says, only hissing a bit at the end of his final word.

You’re tempted to join in with a few curses of your own, but you’re silenced as you come a second time, _still_ before he even gets the chance to for the first time. It’s your finish that manages to set _his_ off, and you can tell.

His frame is shuddering weakly while you’re still riding out the last few waves of your last orgasm with rhythmic thrusts.  
That’s fine with him, because it’s helping him finally achieve release. His orgasm is quiet, except for a pained hiss and a sigh.

Quietness follows between the two of you for the following minutes, just before the both of you fix your clothes back up. You’re the first one to leave the closet, and before you even decide to step out, you make sure to look in both directions to see if anyone was coming, lest even looking.  
There wasn’t.

The walk back to the front of bar is silent and awkward.  
It bothers the human walking right beside you.  
Bothers him enough to where you hear him finally clear his throat and speak up.

“By the way, you may wanna—“

Just as he’s about to continue on, the center of the bar lights up in a practically nuclear green color as a floating flat oval manifests.  
A portal.  
Almost identical to the one that the stranger came in.  
And a head pokes out of it.  
Before anything is even said, he's already ran away from your side and made his way to the front of the portal.

You take your time to approach, however, taking note of how the entire bar is now watching you, and you can’t help but a feel a bit more than self-conscious for the next few moments until they all lose interest and get back to whatever it was they were previously engaging in.

“H-Hey, Rick?”

“DAMNIT, MORTY! What did I TELL YOU ABOUT USING THE PORTAL GUN?!”

“I-I know, but, it’s important—W-wait—“

Just as you lock your eyes onto the younger human, he locks his gaze onto you, and there seems to be a moment that something seems to register with the younger human.

“Rick—Wh-who is that? Is that, is that the alien you gave the killer virus to because you couldn’t find a cure for--”

“A-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH OOOOKAY MORTY I THINK THAT’S ENOUGH!“

“VIRUS?!” You repeat that single word.

He’s already physically flinching at the grave error of his grandson, but flinching is the very least he’ll end up doing, because you’re already making a snatch for his labcoat with one hand as you threaten him with your fist in front of his face with the other.  
His hands already go up to his sides in a bit of a surrendering and submissive gesture.

“Yeeeeah, look, see, I created this virus in one of my labs back on my planet. I-IIII could go into more details about it, but th-th-that’s not important right now. The only way to get rid of it is to give it off to another organism, through, well, sex. B-B-BUT I WAS going to tell you about it before someone so RUDELY interrupted, thanks, MORTY.”

The boy sticking his head out of the portal seems to glance down a bit in what you can make out to be something like shame.

“ **YOU. GAVE. ME. A _VIRUS_?!** ” You’re practically seething with rage as he’s trying to clearly get out of your grip, but you’re relentless, completely forgetting of his grandson who is now watching in horror in the background. You raise your fist higher, ready to bring it down any second upon this fucker’s face for playing you the way that he did.

“R-Rick!”

He’s already glancing up at his scared grandchild that's calling his name, and in that moment, his fearful expression seems to melt away into something more… serious. His brow narrows, and you see that there’s a shift in his behavior. He's become brave now.

“Yeah. I did. I thought we were past that, moving on. At least I cared enough to the point where I was _going_ to let you know, geez. Listen, you maybe only got about an hour before you’re probably puking out your intestines until you finally suffocate to death, so if you wanna waste your time justifying your rage by beating me, so be it, but I think that guy over there that was eyeing you up since the moment we started talking in the bar earlier is still interested in you, so…”

You glance off in the distance to see just who he was talking about.  
And surely enough, Rick wasn’t lying.  
He was still there.  
Staring at you.  
Watching you.

And you glance back at Rick.

“So…” You start.

“Do you _reEEUUGHally_ wanna waste your time pummeling me.”

Sighing, you let go of the human, and he’s already making his way right to the portal.

“Rick!” Morty is already exclaiming, with a mix of happiness and relief as he’s seeing his grandfather slowly approach the portal that he’s still sticking out of. The scientist merely brushes himself off as he makes his way over to the swirling oval portal.

“Alright, Morty, time to bring this fanfiction to a close.”

“What, Rick?”

“N-neEEUUUGHvermind. Let’s go, M-Morty.”

Those are the last words that are spoken from the duo before Rick jumps in and the both of them vanish. 

And you’re left by yourself.  
Left by yourself with that stranger who is still staring at you from across the bar as you finally make the decision to approach him.

After all… you’re not really left with much of any other choice, now are you?


End file.
